Alone #2

For every points added to my extroversion, three were also added to my introversion.
So maybe it was never about changing what I am, rather changing the way I accept myself.

Alone #1

“The worst part about being alone is when you have to tell yourself that everything is going to be alright when everything is not likely to be alright”

Not

No..
Not exactly the place I want to be but I seem to always end up there..
Not quite the role I want to be in but I must get used to it..
Not supposed to linger on that feeling but I can’t shake it off my mind..
Not really gotten over you but I have to do it quick or it shall be the death of me.
Oh…
How easy it must be to murder me,
How simple it is to put me on
How fast it is to set me off
How it is sad
How it is bad
So..
Black out the city where I stay
Black is the color I wear
Blacken the bright and the light
Black I am not
Black I am back again
No..
Not every single time I tried but it felt like I never made it
Not even close to an end but I recon a new beginning is nigh
Not so but what people said about me became me
Not nothing but somethings are quite hard to come by.

Debug

Year..
It is something that kept on passing, no matter how often you make predictions on what’s coming next time, they will never tell you what year will bring you. Good or bad, sweet or bitter, you just have to find out by experience. IF,, and only IF, the prediction happens to be right, it’s just good random luck.
Random and yet praised and sometimes worshiped in some culture.

Same road..
As year progresses things might seem a bit scattered in places and within that year you will strive to put things back in order again, a new order as it may seem to be, well, in my experience they always seems to be, but in fact the are the same as they were the year before. The things that are “disarranged” and the “new” order that they are going to be “arranged” in, all are the same, the only difference it seems to have is just because the mind serves us a different frame and through different frames we see different sides of life, there where we might mistaken a side that has no problem what so ever to be so lacking of many things, and we fix that side by rearranging the scattered things in the order that we are familiar with at the time. So when that one side has become familiar and “good” we feel content, but as the year ends and we find ourself in a new frame, the other side, the new side of life that we discover in the new year would look so out of place and we would have to repeat that process again and again, year after year,

Debug..
All it takes to see it is just a stop,
Stop everything and see, feel, care and everything might be just a little bit clearer than it is. This might not help, but a clearer view just might make you see a path that was never before available to your eyes, well at least it became available for me. I’m not teaching or preaching about anything, I’m just trying to get my mind straight by letting things out from my mind, a debugging process for my crashing brain

The allocated space for memories in my brain is running low, I cannot upgrade and I cannot reformat it. Just a long hard debug that I will have to go through again, year after year. A painful and lonely process of removing, replacing, rewriting and lots and lots of memories. Good, bad, wanted and unwanted memories, even the bad and unwanted memories will someday be a memory to be missed, it will be a road to smiles and cheers, for it has taught lessons and clear path to a sane decisions. But it is long time after the debug. Long after.. Wait.. In patience.. And silence.

Error Warning!

“Error warning! Unable to load happiness. Divine interventions required.”

Even

This track is the soundtrack of a secret admirer and promises to never fail if a chance is given upon him to be with the person he admires do dearly. It’s about having that blood rush or an increase of heart beat, like from calm to nervous or from fearful to save and secure.
About looking at a good thing in the middle of all the bad and the fouls all around and having hope through a smile. A simple little smile I use to see in a face that brought calm, even when there is a storm afterward, that smile always brought the sun back.
The smile is around no more these days, it’s long and forgotten. This blog is just a commemoration of a part of my life and a celebration to this song itself not the person concerned in the song.
Here are the words to the song…

Like the stars above
I’ll always be around
Though far
Like the summer shine
You’ll always have a side in me
To rest my heart upon

Now I’m still watching over you
Standing still looking at you

Even when light seize to shine
I can always see your smile
Even when darking clouds
Blankets the sky

I need you to know
No matter what the worse
I will stay
Like a star, unharmed
Yes, I stay alight

I would stay

Even when I hit the ground
Always lifted by your smile
Even when dark I wont run away
Even when lights seize to shine
Always see a smile in you
And my world over flows if you believe

Even when dark hides the light
I will pray for a crack of smile
Regardless of time

That’s the basic lyric to the song, the rest of the words in the song is just me talking gibberish and making words to fill the parts that felt lacking at the time.
Not a complicated song to take a listen to, I think, but nonetheless this is one of my favorite. Written circa 1999 and recorded sometime in 2006 with a minimal set of gear that I own at the time, and yet many songs and music of mine and some of my friend’s are “forged” with it.
The vocal might sounded pitchy at some point, so my apology for having such poor detail on the song, but if you could listen beyond the “pitchyness” you just might enjoy the song.
This is a demo after all.

ENJOY!

Without You Here

“who asked you to stay?” That’s how this track starts, with a simple question that I often ask myself. This song is not about me asking myself that question, it’s about my imagination towards a person that stayed long after every bad things inside is all accounted for. About imaginations of being someone that is always there when the fire runs out, being the ghost that haunts every thought of a person when not at the present of the significant other. A request of presence in absent, to be there when not being able to be there, or so to speak.
A great longing of the invisible, it’s like the time when you stood on the corner of the street and stared at someone so beautiful then for one second you got this rush-like sense of plan on how to get close to that person, The “if I do this..” and the “if I do that..” kind of thing.
The song about the road untraveled by the “players”, “chick magnets”, or whatever their names are. This song is for those who are afraid or do not have the confident to speak their minds, those who have had many unfulfilled desires and dreams, those with lost love. Enjoy