How to start this.. Where shall I begin.. So, this year has been filled with the presence and absence of lights, it began with the crumbling of hope, the death of a dream, not exactly the kind of start to a year I was hoping for but I start the year anyway. The year before saw the death of everything I had built with my own two hands, a dream and hope I held dear, I believed in, it was my blood, my breath, it was the reason I exist, and yet, it ended. It was the birth of a new found Nihilism, a growing idea started eating up from inside of me. Also, it was like, the year before was an end to a bridge with a deep jagged ravine as the other end. So the only logical move is just to take a leap of faith. Jump, dive, fall.. or however you might want to call it, just to see what is on the other side.
And I did, I took a dive.. Hit the ground hard, without protective gear. Hurts like hell, but I guess it was nothing like what I am about to hit in the year to come, 2014.. The year 2014 is like a prelude to the new person that I am. Though I am the same as I ever was inside, I took a different persona outside. New things come around since the beginning of the year. I started the year with zero resolution, I have absolutely no intention in doing anything with targets. The thought was, I want to just do things as it come around. And it did, things actually came around this year, new jobs, new projects.. though nothing with the same feeling as what I do years and years before, it was a good change of pace for my life. The dawn of a new person. But I guess living a life without rules and limitations has it own consequences. I hit the pedal and hit the wall.. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming from miles away, but being free of rules makes it hard to see straight. Learning to run a rat race for the first time is kind of awkward, it was something I never thought I’d do, to actually have a 9 to 5 job, being in the office, working.. well, my previous job had office also, but it was a different kind of office, the kind where you had lots and lots of inspirations and brings out the human side. but alas, that job was not meant to be.. so here I am with my new found persona and a new occupation. January 2014 mark my first year working “normally”. and that period of one year really felt like forever. So the “normal” job also comes with a perk, I actually, now, have my own ride. I can go where ever I please. Thus, this year was not without it’s benefits, that I can proudly say, with a steady job also comes self confident. Well, in a country like where I lived, working a steady job from nine to five puts you on a different level. People actually gave more appreciations for an office worker, something which I consider idiotic. People are people, no matter what they do and what kind of salary they received monthly, but in this country, somehow, that matters. That is a point that adds to my reluctance to continue on being a human being, humans these days does not deserve the Earth, not any longer. But, again, who am I to decide what’s best for the species? I’m just one among the millions. Until that time before the start of fasting month (this is a Muslim majority state) the good Lord sent one of His angel to the rescue. This petite angel came in a random click. Truly a Godsend, I had never once consider falling for her, not to mention being head over heels in love, and yet, I was allowed to. An angel with millions of secrets, something I actually chose to ignore, for that feeling of love actually temporary blinds us humans. She puts a completion on my bridge, a bridge that was once ended with a deep ravine with sharp rocks at the other end, now somehow, a plateau was at that end. I can actually, just, walk to the other side, I don’t need to jump like I did last year. She made me forgot about my lack of enthusiasm in being human. She made me forgot about the rotting stench of this State, about the lies, trickery, foul play, she made me feel like there is actually a good reason to being a human, she gave purpose to an empty vessel, gave it course, a destination, she tore my new year’s resolution of not having any targets and ambitions apart, she brought me back among the living, she puts the colors and gave me reasons.
I was complete… For a brief moment, that is, she came to my life just as random as she chose to leave it. For reasons I, until this day, was left in the dark. As I do not believe in the actual randomness, I believe that there is a plan behind her presence. Fate does not put her beside me briefly out of some silly, cheap soap opera-like fluke that came without a carefully planned story. I believe she was sent to me for a reason, and even though I might never find out what that reason was, I want to know that reason like I want to breathe the air. Such reason that she chose to kept to herself until this day, which breaks my heart to realize the lost of trust that she had for me that ended up as a huge wall around her that I, until today unable to work around. Well, some friends actually said I was excessive in describing her, for she has plenty of flaws, secrets and deemed unfit to be with me. Yeah, some friend actually deemed her unworthy. I may not have the knowledge of the universe, but I don’t think being judgmental and prejudice serves well in making us human. But, again, I know they all mean well. They assess and comments on the basis of my well being, they are, after all, my good friends. But being the blinded person that I am, I, involuntarily, chose to ignore their comments and suggestions, for I was given a gift by the Lord Almighty. So, where did that persistence got me? Nowhere.. I am bewildered and lost until this day. Every single part of me, aside from my brain, still cling to her existence. Moving on seems like it had been erased from the options. The age difference, the distance that separates, the secrets she kept, all had spaces that begs to be filled. God knows how I tried to fill them spaces, but still it raises questions from others, on her side and mine. She was the one that really affect the whole year the most. Everything good and bad was consumed by the event, my head was in a flash filled with nothing but the thought of her. She made 2014 so beautiful and so hard to bear at the same time, she made it sweet and sour as if it was one of the same. God only, knows how I actually feel about her, and miracles is the only thing that could bring her back to me. For there is nothing but the works of a Deity could alter the state of the story which I am presented. A divine intervention is badly needed to cure the insanity that is looming over, covering the mind in a never ending dark age. An age beyond reasons and logic, no theories nor wisdom at work there, only misguided faith and blind ambition.
A memento.. Since the day of my inception, I had never once felt a feeling this strong. However brief she came, I was thankful that I had a chance to have her in my live. She is truly the one that made 2014 a year to remember. I don’t know whether to wait or just continue my count down to death. I was black, dark, gloomy, ominous, bitter and dread before she came. Then I was suddenly bright. So if one day someone ask me if I ever see a light, I can proudly say “I had seen the light” for I was once made luminescence by her presence. She was the reason I smiled that year. But the end is as inevitable as the sun will rise. December sees the end of 2014 like October saw the me and her. Now I am bleak, grim, dreary, dismal as I was before her. Cliche? so be it, I don’t care. This is how I feel and I shall take it to my grave, a place I long to be in. If you ever find and able to understand this writings one day, you know who you are, I hope you remember how much I love you, you know what we had even though you might have forgotten about it, you may not want it like I do, but it meant the world to me. It matters most to me. You, Memento of a year where I can smile, a smile so honest it lightens my dark side, smile in an open field of green where the wind sway the hair and birds perched on trees singing. A memento from a year when I actually have a reason. In the end, 2014 was another broken promise of a better day, a year without any significant changes if not for her presence. Small changes did occurred along the year, good and bad, mostly good and yet this one stands out more that any other. Without such reason this blog would never be written, no memory what so ever of the year will be celebrated, not a single cell in my brain died. No matter how brief, no matter how dismal , no matter how wrong, no matter how stupid, it was my reason. For those other changes in this year I deemed insignificant, I am very thankful and appreciate every single one of them. But in the case of this single most important event of the year 2014, I place it upon a pedestal. High up and as a constant reminder of how I failed. A constant reminder of a love lost in the midst of my insecurity and a desire fail to be fulfilled. I wrote this blog with one hope, a hope need not to be mentioned, a hope true and honest for I am still lost and forever will be lost until that hope became something other than just a metaphor.
A prayer.. lastly, I long for one twist of fate or kind of like a turn of the table, one which set the next year in line to a more brighter phase of life, unlike the year 2014. And if not, if this year sees the parting of her and I, I give this prayer in the Old Irish Blessing and Prayers: “May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun and find your shoulder to light on, to bring you luck, happiness and riches. Today, tomorrow and beyond.” And for myself I pray: “May I see God’s light on the path ahead when the road I walk is dark. May I always hear, even in my hour of sorrow, the gentle singing of the lark. When times are hard may hardness never turn my heart to stone, May I always remember when the shadows fall—I do not walk alone.”
This one is dedicated to You, where ever you may be, I’d love to see more of you again next year and the years to come, if I am still alive.